You might have heard that dogs live by their own set of rules. You find them in the dog rule book. Miss Millie is one of the funniest dogs I’ve met. She is very particular about everything in her life. Some of this is probably from me. Some of it is all her. She has a very large Dog Rule Book. Some of these I’ve only started to fully understand. She’s seven. Let’s take a look at Volume I from her series.
Section I: General Rules
These are general rules to follow. Specific situations have other rules. Cross reference every situation to ensure the correct rules are applied. Miss Millie is henceforth “Puppy.”
All rules are subject to change at any time. For any reason.
Consequences are applied when rules are broken and can be added or altered at any time. For any reason.
Failing to follow rules is never tolerated. This may lead to additional rules. Or increased consequences. Whichever is preferred at that moment.
Puppy must be fed on a schedule. Assume puppy is always starving.
Never alter feeding time. Consequences for failing to follow feeding time rules are:
- Bowl will be flipped, moved, and/or dropped at human’s feet
- If more than 10 minutes pass, puppy will scream until fed
- If screaming fails, puppy will hit, punch, or otherwise engage human until fed
Treats must be provided. All the time. They cannot be crappy treats. Failing to provide approved treats results in them becoming projectile objects.
Walking puppy is a requirement. Daily unless it’s raining or is too tired to be bothered.
Puppy must never go outside in the rain. The argument that she is a Portuguese Water Dog is invalid. Do NOT force puppy outside in the rain. Puppy will gain 150 pounds in a split second.
Bedtime must be at the same time, every night, no exceptions. Failing to go to bed at the same time as the puppy has the following consequences:
- Puppy will hit, punch, or otherwise engage human until they go to bed
- If that doesn’t work or an undetermined number of minutes lapses, puppy will scream louder than you have ever heard until you go to bed.
- If screaming doesn’t work puppy will resort to destruction.
Section II: Other Dogs
Puppy reserves the right to alter this section at any time, for any reason.
Portuguese Water Dogs are preferred companions. However, doodles looking like a PWD are also acceptable. Doodles who do not look like a PWD but live with a PWD may receive an exemption.
All other dogs must pass the “Puppy Test.” Rarely may a dog have a retest. To receive a retest, the human must provide an excessive amount of high value treats and puppy deem a retest acceptable.
The following items permanently disqualify a dog from passing the test:
- Pulling on a lead
- Excessive staring, even if it is in response to the puppy staring.
- Is from an unacceptable breed. Current list may be altered at any time for any reason.
- Golden Retrievers. However, cream colored or white retrievers are acceptable.
- Pit Bulls. All. No exceptions ever.
- Border Collies. Unless they are agility dogs then they get a pass.
The “Puppy Test” is evolving constantly. However, the following items are permanently on the test:
- Human identifies the dog as a grandma or grandpa dog. AND does not violate any of the disqualifications. Dog is able to receive a pass.
- If the dog is small and white it will ONLY pass if it never looks at the puppy.
- Human must provide triple the number of treats for failing to announce a friend dog as being a friend.
- The human MUST pay attention to all dogs and instantaneously assess the ability to pass the puppy test. Failure to do so will disqualify the dog.
If the human’s attention lapses for even a moment the puppy reserves the right to add the dog to the permanent disqualification list. Friend dogs qualify for adding to the disqualification list.
Section III: Food, Treats, and Water
Puppy is to be fed high quality food and treats. Food must be in a ceramic bowl. Unless it’s metal. Or plastic. Or rubber.
Treats may be of various value to the puppy. However, preference is always given to high value treats over everyday treats.
If puppy finds something rotten or otherwise prohibited by the human it is preferred. This includes food found on the sidewalk, in a park, in a trashcan, or anywhere else the human would disapprove.
Everyday treats must be provided every day. All walks must have treats. Everyday treats are fine unless there a dog has failed the “Puppy Test.” Those situations require medium to high value treats.
Approved every day treats are but not limited to:
- Happy Creamies
- Freeze dried Bananas
- Freeze dried Peas
- Frozen watermelon
- Most other vegetables and fruits assuming the human has tasted a part of the piece to ensure it isn’t poison
Medium and High Value treats include but are not limited to:
Puppy LOVES sugar it doesn’t matter what form the sugar is in. At least one serving every day needs to be provided. Puppy will steal sugary treats from anyone, including small children. Puppy will have no remorse.
Bully sticks and dental chews are NOT treats. Those are daily requirements and must be provided at minimum every night.
Puppy must have access to water. Water must be in ceramic bowls. If it can’t be then it needs to be fresh from the bathtub, hose, or pressurized spray bottle. In EXTREME emergencies the puppy may elect to drink from a metal, plastic, or rubber bowl.
Stay tuned for Volume II of Miss Millie’s Big Book of Rules!
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